The day gets closer yet further away.

I am a worrier by nature which is not good when you are pregnant.  I think about where the seatbelt is positioned on my ever expanding waistline, I worry about the dog jumping up on me and bumping my stomach.  I worry about my husband driving two hours away when I could have the baby soon.  Worry worry worry.  It is my nature. 

Last week I headed to my 38 week appointment with another new doctor at the practice.  I really didn't care that I was meeting a doctor that I hadn't met before because - I'm having a c section with a doctor I know. Next week even! The visit started as usual, weight (just don't even look at the scale anymore, seriously), pee, strip from the waist down.  After I plopped my white pasty butt down on the table and delicately ripped the "sheet" as I attempted to tuck it around my arse the doctor came in.  I kept thinking about how my behemoth rear was peaking out the back and attempted to pull my shirt down just a little further.

The doctor started in on the regular details of my urine looking good, my blood pressure has started to go back down a bit, etc.  Then she said that she saw that my version was successful.  I looked at her like she had lost her marbles.  Lady, I didn't even try for a version because I don't have enough fluid, baby is too far down in my body to try to turn, etc. I thought that since we had the consultation, perhaps that is why she thought it was successful.  Oh well, chalk it up to poor record keeping.

Then I asked her if it was possible to learn the time that the c-section would be occurring on the 16th since my MIL is coming in from 9 hours away and we would like to do a little planning.  She then seemed to have a slap her head kind of moment like DOH!  Somehow they overbooked the cesareans for that day and lucky me I was the one to be bumped. Um, say what now?  But no worries, we can move it to the next week with Dr. X, Dr. X or Dr. X.  Fan freaking tastic but I have never met any of those doctors and I had plans dearie.  Plans, you hear me? 

I was already flustered a bit from explaining to her that I did not have a successful version and then she tells me that they are changing the date of the Cesarean.  In reality, not a big deal but it was the fact that they waited a week and a half after my appointment where the Cesarean was scheduled to let me know.  A week and a half after we started making all kinds of plans - like people coming in from nine hours away kind of plans.  I was equal parts mad and upset.  I didn't want to be at this appointment by myself picking a random date without my husband there. 

So I cried a little and she told me that we could head down and meet the one doctor that was there and we would schedule the Cesarean for that doctor.  Better than nothing I suppose. But first, let's check on that baby.  She started the doppler on my stomach and for a while had a little frownie on her face and moved the doppler around a bit. Since I was already flustered and worrisome, the time that it took her to wander around my stomach and find the quiet heartbeat were agonizing.  I was there on the table by myself thinking the worst thoughts possible.

Everything was okay in the end.  I am meeting the new c-section doctor this week and once next week the day before the surgery.  I chose the new date without my husband there.  I heard the quiet heartbeat.  But I still went to my car and cried. 

My heart has been so heavy lately thinking of Janet. I think about Baby Miller so often.  I can't imagine the pain and aching in their family right now and it makes me feel as though my little worries of what date to tell my mother in law for the c-section is ridiculous.  My little worries are just that - little worries.  I think about the true devastation that a young family is feeling right now and ache to take some of it away with my simple words and thoughts.  But I can't.  So instead, I send my love and thoughts their direction 100 times each day.

Doctor makes a difference

Since Dr. Google had freaked me out about not only having a breech baby but also c-sections in general, I was nervous going in to my follow up appointment. The option of turning the baby also produced some general gloom and doom like feelings as well. 

It is interesting how various people and websites will make you feel like a cesarian is the wrong choice no matter what. That you should of course try to turn the baby. That c-sections are for pansies who simply don't want the joy of ripping their goods. It's funny how people have opinions about your situation before they know the whole story. 

I was able to schedule my follow up appointment with one of my favorite doctor's at the practice.  The practice encourages a consultation about turning the baby and trying for a vaginal birth before they will schedule a c-section.  The one good part about this is that you get an unplanned ultrasound. Ultrasounds are like money when it comes to a pregnancy.  Pregnant ladies want to "see" the baby as many times as possible via ultrasound. After hearing about the options and learning about how they try to turn the baby but are prepared to deliver the baby immediately if there are issues, we headed for a visit with the ultrasound tech. 

The tech was pretty quick but explained what we were seeing and what she was looking for.  When considering turning a baby, there has to be enough fluid around the baby.  Think about it like a water balloon with a toy inside it.  If there is lots of water, the toy turns easier.  Not lots of water, not lots of turning. They also look for the placement of the placenta and to see how far down into the pelvis the baby is.  Those are the three biggest factors when determining if you are a candidate for the old baby spinnaroo. 

The tech first verified that the baby was still breech and what type of breech position.  He is considered frank breech, which sounds miserably uncomfortable to me. His head and feet are both at the top.  Basically he is sitting in a v shape.  Secondly, she started measuring the amount of fluid surrounding the baby.  The standard cutoff for fluid needed is 15.  I am at 11.  Phewwy. Then finally, she checked to see how far down the baby was. Once she got pretty far down in to my pelvis she stated that he was so far down she wasn't even able to go further with the ultrasound machine and get an accurate reading.  Phewwy number two.

The one good part of an ultrasound at this point is that she quickly pointed out a few things that were easily visible like the ribs and spine.  She made the comment of - oh my goodness- which is nothing you want to hear at any baby related appointment. But then laughed and said that she could tell us that the baby has a lot of hair on the back of his head. He may be sporting a mullet - which would be awesome in it's own way - but there is for sure a lot of hair. The way he is squeezed in there didn't let her see the front of his head, though I am guessing there is a lot of hair there as well. Not a surprise if you have seen the amount of hair on my husband's head.

We headed back to chat with the doctor and while she told us it was entirely up to us in regards to a c-section versus trying to turn the baby, it seemed fairly obvious to us that the baby would not be easy to turn.  She made me feel better about having a c-section by saying that she had the same situation with her oldest and then later had a VBAC with her second.  It is amazing what bedside manner can do to a nervous patient.

With all of that done, she broke out the calendar and we literally sat there and picked the date for our baby to be born.  It was slightly unreal and crazy to think that we picked his birthday.  Now if only we could pick his name.

And now by c-section

The month of September is a big birthday month.  I think our calendar has over 20 birthdays for family and friends on it and our newest family member is set to arrive this month.  Last week I headed to the doctor for my 36 week visit.  I was meeting with a new doctor in the hopes of meeting all of them prior to having the baby so that I could at least recognize the person that is going to become intimate with my private parts in a very big way. I hadn't asked that Brooks go to too many visits with me other than the big ones but for some reason I kept pushing him to come to this one.  He has been working about 1/2 hour away and it always seemed silly for him to come to a visit where I peed in a cup, got weighed and briefly listened to the heartbeat.  But 36 weeks seemed like a bigger one and he was luckily working nearby.  I was being checked (internally, yay!) and they were checking for a strep B infection, blah blah blah.  I just felt like this was a more than 15 minute appointment and I wanted him there.

Um and let me tell you in advance if you don't know, the group B strep test isn't a blood test.  It is a swab test.  In personal areas. TWO personal areas. I didn't see that one coming.  Half way through the appointment with my somewhat dumpy doctor, she began doing the internal exam after pushing around on my stomach some.  I had heard that the internal exams weren't that bad but nothing of great fun for sure. Similar to a yearly exam but a bit more invasive - as in they use their hand and check things out. I think I am a wuss because that internal exam was somewhat painful.  She even apologized, which made me think that she was being a bit more in depth than usual. 

Then she got that look on her face like she was about to tell me something not so fun. And she did.

The littlest one, she believed, was breech. Bottom down, head up. After heading to their quickie ultrasound room she confirmed it, presented us with the options that were available and we were on our way. The options were try to turn the baby and hope he stayed put for a vaginal delivery or a c-section. 

I am not going to deny that I was so grateful that Brooks was there. I am an emotional crying kind of girl and then add to the fact that I had planned on a fun little - you might be dilated - kind of visit and it turned into a hey your baby is bottom down and now you get to have a c-section.  The doctor was nice enough but fairly blunt in the perspective that her quick ultrasound didn't show a lot of fluid around the baby and that his butt was nice and deeply settled into my pelvis so turning him was likely not an option. She also made me a bit nervous about trying to turn the baby and the harm that it could cause both the baby and I. 

We scheduled an appointment for the following Tuesday and went on our merry way. Merry as in I started crying before we were a mile away from the office.  My perspective on c-sections was that you had them when it was an emergency or otherwise medically necessary.  And by medically necessary I really thought giant babies, odd shaped pelvis, distress to mother or baby.  Not baby butt first which seems like the wimpiest of ways to require a c-section. I was getting ready to laugh like a 13 year old with my husband at the childbirth classes, not fill out forms and pick a date for the baby to be born. 

It felt like it wouldn't be the experience I expected. I suppose it was more of the shock of the bluntness of the doctor and the unexpected change of events. They do c-sections at 39 weeks, which would make our time to get ready for baby even shorter. Somehow all of those little things made a difference.  I worried about not holding the baby right after he was born (your arms are strapped down, I hear). Not being able to see him when they were doing measurements and the like. Brooks leaving me to go with the baby and being on a surgical table all by myself (and lots of doctors and nurses).   Would breastfeeding come naturally?  Just all of those things overwhelmed me. So I cried.

And then I began googling.  I will be honest that I never really looked at the c-section part of books, websites or emails because that wasn't how my birth was going to go - according to me. Then I started looking into breech babies.  Well don't do that. I fell victim to Dr. Google.

By yesterday's appointment I was sure that the baby was too small, his hips and legs were not formed correctly, I was leaking amniotic fluid and I was headed to have the baby immediately after having the appointment. 

Week 25/26

When my chair groans at work, I really feel like I am 26 weeks into this pregnancy.  Also, this makes me feel like I am well on my way to a lovely shape of round.

Brooks has been working so hard to get the basement finished which is hard to just sit and watch him do all the work while I wear a mask and flop around upstairs trying to be busy.  We usually work on projects together but so far, this one has been pretty much him.  Thank goodness for an awesome husband. 

We are getting ready for our upcoming fourth of July cookout and this year we are throwing in a casual men and women's baby shower for our little family. My sister is insistent that there be cake and at least a game or two.  I always look forward to this party, but this year, I am thrilled that a good friend from Tennessee will be up for a few days before the party.  This is a friend that has survived living nine hours apart for four and a half years.  When you were only friends for about two years to start with, it is awesome to me that we are still close. She's one of those girls that I miss all the time.

My best friend from high school is going to try to come up for the cookout and I am so hoping she is able.  We have been friends for nearly 20 years and there is something that comes with that kind of friendship. A sense of comfort, I suppose?  She has three kids and between her and my sister, I feel like I am going to be asking a lot of questions in the next few months. Or years, likely.

It feels as though this summer is already flying by. June is half way over.  Really? There have been no great plans for this summer since we knew we would be in major life change mode, but it seems like somehow we are major overhauling our house, having a baby and getting a puppy and it is all happening now. No pressure. No stress.  Right?! 

21 weeks

 Last Saturday this sweet lady - Lily - worked really hard for her Mother's Day.  Have you ever seen a face so sad. 

Lily and our dog made these beautiful pups. These pictures are from the morning right after they were born. There were ten but one didn't make it.  Brooks and I are now charged with picking out one.  ONE!  Out of nine sweet little pups. They don't have stinky breath yet, which is something I never figured out.  How do all dogs have the same stinky breath as a puppy.  We are headed out to see them again this weekend for our weekly dose of puppy, so there will be new pictures soon.

As I roll along in this pregnancy, it seems to be going by quicker and quicker. I feel huge and yet somehow every week I get bigger and bigger. Evidence. Week of January 30 versus the week of May 4th. 

The fat pants aren't cutting it anymore at almost 22 weeks and I am going to have to go to all out maternity pants soon. Hairbands dig into my skin and some how walking around with my pants hanging open doesn't sound like a good plan.  I have been sleeping like crap lately and no amount or size of pillows seems to help.  And really I don't want to hear anything about how this is just preparing me for a baby. I am pretty sure that when I am not sleeping at all at nite because of a baby crying that my back won't feel like crap, my eyes just won't be able to stay open. 

Since finding out that we are having a little boy, I have just been thinking about how little I know about little boys.  I am basing that statement on the fact that I have never been a little boy.  Sure, my little brother and nephew have exposed me to the world of little boys, but I am pretty sure that was not enough exposure. So pretty much Brooks is in charge of all things that are more little boyish like potty training and rough housing.

Names are not coming along at all.  I spent an hour throwing out names the other nite and Brooks actually looked at me like I was crazy for some of them.  I did find it amusing that when I was browsing unique names that started with "B" that Brooks showed up in the list.  Somehow this seems like the most important thing to accomplish at this point since we are over half way there and are no closer to a first name than we were about 20 weeks ago.  I am just happy that there is only one because I couldn't name more than one, ecspecially of the same gender.  Somehow before we knew the gender, girls names came really easy and we even semi agreed on one.  That should have been our indicator that it was a boy.  I guess we can just store that for the next one?  If not, the next female dog of ours has a great name ready!

We registered last weekend and it was a combination of awful and ohmygawwd this stuff is so expensive. My sister was nice enough to give me a list of things that we actually need so we didn't just wonder down the aisles aimlessly.  But at the same time it is so hard to know really what you are going to need.  When she told me to get an expensive thermometer, she didn't tell me what kind.  Ear, butt, armpit or mouth. AGH. Expensive is that anything beyond the $2.99 one or is that the $79.99 one?  Geesh.  But we are semi registered, which is what seems to matter. And can I just say that both Brooks and I survived our childhoods with what I imagine was a lot less crap than we registered for, so I am betting this little one will be okay too. 

As a final note, strawberries have come into season and it seems like there was an alarming amount of strawberry shortcake consumed at our house this week.  Two large packages of strawberries seems like a bit much for two people, doesn't it?

Week 19

It seems like being pregnant is both rushing by and yet dragging on.  I hit 19 weeks this week which included having my first glucose test, my four month check up and scheduling the anatomy ultrasound. Brooks didn't go to this visit since it was a quick ten minute visit.  I met another doctor today and the nurse jokingly said that she was one of her favorites.  She was great to chat with and though I don't really have any great concerns at this point, she sat and chatted with me for a bit, which is not required what so ever yet really appreciated.  She talked about feeling the first movements and how they will be sporadic for a while but in a few weeks it will be almost a constant.  I think the best part was her just letting me hear the heartbeat for a moment.  Hearing that little woosh woosh is possibly the most amazing thing ever. I remember the moment I heard my little brother's and my neice's.  It just fills my heart every single time. Hearing her say a healthy 150 bpm was simply lovely. I couldn't help but tear up a bit! Brooks has only heard the heartbeat once when we had the first ultrasound.  I can't wait until he hears it again at the ultrasound, this time I am going to break my eyes from the screen and look at him!

 Here is my abdominal region for posterity.  I've officially moved beyond a food baby. 

The anatomy ultrasound is scheduled for Monday, which holy smokes seems extremely soon!  Brooks will not even make a single guess as to what the gender is because he thinks he will jinx it if he guesses.  I have two guesses.  One being a boy because of my baby gender theory involving the father and the first baby.  Basically this theory is that the father determines the gender and a good predictor is the first child of the males in the father's family.  Brooks' dad and uncle both had boys first. My sister's in laws work with this theory also.  My family follow this theory too.  My second guess is a girl.  I am not sure where this guess is coming from but it just seems like there might be a little girl in there.  I suppose one of my guesses will be right, ha! 

Next comes picking a name, which should be a big fat challenge knowing Brooks and I!

See - Not an amoeba

Perhaps yesterday when I talked about being able to actually tell that the baby was a baby in my stomach I should have included a picture.  Crazy idea, I know.  The little baby growing in my ever expanding waistline has sort of an alien like large head but hello.  I could at least pick out the head and arms. I can also pick out a single leg but I haven't determined if the other thing is the cord or a leg.  Brooks likes to pretend it is a private part.  I pointed out that the baby doesn't have any external male or female parts at this point and he was a bit disappointed.  And those two floaty things on the left near the foot, um... I don't know. Maybe that is just from where the baby was moving around?

So I also just had the shocker realization that my weight should be increasing by a pound a week after next week. HOLY CRAP. It is kind of crazy to watch my weight willingly go up. Right now I am up about three pounds which is not scary since I am still in a normal weight range but I can't imagine how I will feel when I am up near the 150s or so since I have not been that weight in quite a while.  I know that it is healthy and normal but it is still hard to let go.  

That being said, I hope that once August hits and the local ice cream place goes into full swing I am able to reel myself in from eating too many treats.  Heck I like ice cream when I'm not pregnant and chubby.  Let's just ponder this.  I'll be eight months pregnant in August. That should be fun.